Mother’s Day: as a female, what does that mean? Celbebrating your mother or being one yourself? At some point is it both? This day has been a silent, painful struggle for me for two reasons: 1) I had an “older” mother who was 38 when I was born and 2) I was an even older mother at 41 when our daughter was born. Thankfully I think most churches have done away with the “honors” of youngest mothers, mothers with most children, etc. I believe they had no idea how incredibly painful it was for women struggling against infertility. To celebrate the woman with the most children for the woman who could not have any is a kind of pain I truly would not wish upon my worst enemy. I may have said before I was only blessed a couple of Mother’s Days where I had both my mother and my daughter. To say they were precious would be an understatement. Now I struggle with the heartache of missing my mother while finally experiencing the joy of having my own daughter, her namesake. HOW I wish my mother could have been with her longer on this earth. I marvel at the similarities between them. She is so much like my mother that it seriously freaks both my husband and me out. Our daughter wants her Chapstick (lipstick), her purse, and wears different jewelry before she goes out. She says the same phrases there is no way she could have ever heard from my mother. My husband and I have remarked that going out with her is just like going out with my mother when she was alive. My mother was a gentle but strong force in my life. I strive to be the same for my daughter. The sixteenth President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, said, “All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.”
To Us
Growing up in an apartment, there are some things I discovered on my own never to gripe about or take for granted. For instance: painting, yard work, or planting. It’s funny what people complain about when they do not fully realize what they have. I suppose I might have been the same way, too but those were not the circumstances under which I grew up. And, as incredibly difficult as they were, it served to shape and mold me into the person I am today. My husband and I are just about identical in thought which I have always found somewhat fascinating and unusual given our very disparate backgrounds. One of the things I want most for my child is to fully understand the difference between fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate is not a trip to Europe: fortunate is healthy parents and food on the table. I believe she gets her inherent kindness from both of us and I feel it is my job to make sure she understands that the definition of “fortunate” varies greatly. In some countries — and on Indian reservations right here in the United States — that means access to clean drinking water and electricity. Many native peoples STILL do not have these; and this is not supposed to be a “third world” county. My husband and I have been blessed, thanks to my mother-in-law and step-father-in-law’s help, to have our house for over ten years now. It is the first and only house I have ever had. I STILL cannot get used to the sensation of not having loud music thumping through the walls, being able to actually see out of a window from the kitchen, and having my own piece of land where I can plant. We have colored walls, ceiling fans, a wood-burning fireplace, a screened porch, and two stories — all the things I always wished for growing up. I do not want our little one taking any of these things for granted. Sadly, in Dallas it is far too easy to get caught up in whose house is more huge, who drives what car, etc. I was the one “poor” kid surrounded by affluency in an elite city chorus when I was a child. I was so ashamed of my father’s car I begged him to drop me off where the other girls wouldn’t see me. I have one vivid memory, though, of us taking a break at the water fountain and this girl had her hair in gorgeous French braids — something I’d always wanted. Another girl complimented her and she looked very sad as she said her nanny did it. I realized then how fortunate I really was. For ten years we have not had our own fence for one whole side of our house; the side which borders the only neighbors we have. The fence along the alley was starting to waggle precariously like a child’s baby teeth and our old wooden fence was just single board pine and only six feet tall. One can build up to eight feet without a permit. My husband was the one who really wanted us to have this and we were able to go the two feet higher and have a sturdier cedar with a crown. Since we do not have a big yard I feared it would close us in but, on the contrary, I feel liberated. The American poet Robert Frost once quipped, “Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” Seeing it all taken down like this I realized how incredibly important it was to finally have our own fence. At last I feel we have some measure of privacy as well as security and it looks beautiful — plus I know it truly belongs to us.
My Masterpiece
I was wandering through the Parish Hall at my little one’s school when suddenly I stopped right in my tracks. There were tables lined up full of the same type of art work, only each one varied. They say that’s the beauty of art; two people can paint the same thing and they can both come out completely different. Someone had thoughtfully made official looking art tags with the child’s name and a set price for all at the bottom of each piece. I found myself scanning the rows until my eyes lit upon my baby’s work. Like a mad art collector at a Sotheby’s auction, I knew I had to have it. Of course there was no competition. I looked around and conveniently found a woman manning the proverbial fort armed with a four square iPhone credit card acceptor. I snatched mine up and could not pay fast enough. Asking how the kids did it, the woman said the art teacher called it bubble art with paint and straws. Suddenly I had a flashback to the week earlier when I wondered why my little one came home with blue and orange fingernails; mystery solved. I believe I have mentioned before that when I was little I never could get why something I’d made meant so much to my parents. Now, with a mother’s eyes, I understand. The American writer and retired pediatric surgeon, Bernie Siegel, once said:
“Feelings aroused by the touch of someone’s hand, the sound of music, the smell of a flower, a beautiful sunset, a work of art, love, laughter, hope and faith – all work on both the unconscious and the conscious aspects of the self, and they have physiological consequences as well.”
Then it occurred to me — THAT is what makes art so priceless to someone. And I was very fortunate to have my masterpiece.
My Garland Of Roses In Her Hair
The first time we went to a Renaissance festival I tried not to people watch with my mouth agape while silently pronouncing everyone there absolutely, totally, certifiably nuts. Folks were dressed up trekking about the woods saying, “Milord” and “Milady” with American/”English” accents. The funny thing was I think I heard a bit of cockney in there. One guy was sprawled out on the grass playing a lute. “Nobility” was spotted carrying their own “jewel encrusted” chalices filled with mead and ale. There were women carrying great baskets of fresh flowers for sale. Nearby fire blazed from a glassblower’s shop. “I need to use ye old bathrooms” my husband quipped and snickered into my ear as I pointed him toward a giant sign that read, “Privies.” It dawned on me then that these lunatics were all traipsing around in heavy velvet, actual armor, and stifling robes in NO AIR CONDITIONING. This wasn’t the Renaissance; this was medieval! The American political satirist P.J. O’Rourke said, “Not much was really invented during the Renaissance, if you don’t count modern civilization.” And then I noticed these pretty garlands of flowers adorned with long, flowing silk ribbons and suddenly I found myself wanting one. I chose a delicate orange with yellow silk ribbons and saw it had a shorter green ribbon as well. It took me awhile to realize that the green ribbon was the one to be used to tie behind your head which held the garland in place. Once it was around my hair I felt beautiful, feminine, and inexplicably serene. Then Burk found a stall selling pet dragons and he didn’t bat an eye at purchasing one for himself even though most were being perused by kids. I found it was a bit like Halloween combined with time travel. With so many people all using the same manner of speech, wearing period dress, and practicing antiquated customs it sort of altered reality. But it worked best if one actually played along. I wondered to myself when I’d lost my love for being a just a touch weird and not caring what others thought. This year we returned and that morning on impulse I pulled out my five year old’s Princess Merida dress, which she had never worn. It was sentimental to me because it was the first real movie we ever took her to and a great role model for her which also echoed some of her heritage. To say that my husband doesn’t “do” dress up would be an incredible understatement. Ironically, he’s not cool; I think he’s just VERY reserved. Rummaging around in my closet, I tried to find something that might pass as vaguely Renaissancesque. I came out with a gypsy duster and hoped it would suffice. To my great surprise, Burk’s dragon from several years ago appeared out of nowhere and rested on his wrist. “You know,” I said cautiously, “if you just wore all black you could go as a dragon tamer maybe.” This did not seem to bother him and off we went. Our little one was the only girl in the whole 16th century English village to have chosen to dress as Merida. Disney’s Princess Merida is Scottish and well-known for her incredible skills in archery, sword-fighting, and riding like the wind on her horse. Her dress was very much appreciated and even caught the notice of the Queen, Catherine of Aragon, the first wife of King Henry VIII. She was crossing a bridge followed by her retinue when I found myself immediately sinking into a deep curtsey (I kid you not) followed by, “Your Majesty.” Impressed and nodding her approval, her dark eyes lit upon my child. “Are you Merida?” she asked with more than a hint of appreciation in her voice. “Yes, ma’am,” my little one replied. “Well then you simply MUST be made an official princess,” she decreed and my baby doll just looked at her frozen with wide-eyed wonder. Signaling to one of her ladies-in-waiting, a salt shaker was produced full of purple and gold glitter. She was then officially decreed a princess and was greeted all around with a resounding cheer of “huzzah!” And then, as they continued on, each one bowed to her and said, “Your Highness.” I don’t care how silly it seems, I was so incredibly proud of her. And she was coronated wearing my garland of roses in her hair.
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof
It is only May and already it’s proving to be another Texas scorcher. My little one attends a private preschool and this was a rare “free dress” day. I love the uniforms for two major reasons: the first is when I was in school, uniforms were not required and I wore the same clothes a lot. And I got made fun of for that a lot. Dallas is home, but sadly she is not without her longstanding flaws. She is a shallow, hypermaterialistic city and in the ’80’s it reached new heights. The second reason I love school uniforms is that there will be no drama over what to wear. Here, just put this on; the end. But however darling the jumpers may be, they are hotter than a, um, well never mind. They’re hotter than, well they are just extremely hot! Much like kiddos are expected to play out in freezing temperatures up north, Texas kiddos are expected to go outside and pray the water fountain’s working. My little one’s teacher snapped this and I loved it. She doesn’t have my mother’s true red hair, but she sure does look auburn here. So does her little face, which turns all red exactly like mine does and my mother’s did. She came home happy despite the heat because I’d dressed her in her a thin, pink shirt with kitty faces on it. The Dallas born actress Piper Perabo said, “In Texas it’s always hot, dry, sunny, not a cloud in the sky.” As I ran to hug my little one, red and sweaty from her second recess, she said, “Whew, Mama it’s hot!” I looked down at her ruddy complexion and then touched her pert little nose as I said, “As hot as a cat on a hot tin roof.”
La Vie — Frites Et Chocolat
This was our last day in Paris. Our little one, not yet three at the time, had but one request. She looked up at me sucking her thumb, took it out, and said, “‘Mama, no more ‘chuches.'” (She could’nt pronounce her “r’s.”) I realized then we had put a lot of grown up things on such a tiny little one and it is my hope that she will grow to love the church just as I always have. So we threw our itinerary to the wind and made our last day a play day. We darted in and out of little souvenir shops where I got got an “I ❤️ Paris bag” and magnets for the fridge. Burk and I had berets, books on Versailles, and we bought Chat Noir oven mitts. We were typical American tourists in Paris buying schlock and having a wonderful time. My little one was immensely enjoying her “camera” that showed all the famous scenes of Paris through it (I always longed for a “View-Master” my whole childhood but we never could afford it) and she thought she was taking pictures of it all. I got a couple of refillable Paris lighters (my favorite is a sleek Eiffel Tower that blinks and lights up when you open it) as well as some more cigars for my little humidor’s stockpile. We did not spend a lot but we certainly got a lot in terms of pure frivolity and fun. That is something which not often presents itself in our lives. We were without worry and there was no one there to judge us over our treasures. We went back to the hotel and all exclaimed over each other’s souvenirs. Every day as I look around our home I see little remembrances of our precious time in Paris. Some would say they are just things. To me they are tangible memories that bring me back to this time and my heart is happy. This was the day we threw out all the rules. We let our almost three year old have pistachio ice cream laced with chocolate, coupled by potato chips. It was exhilarating to let go of “the rules” and have a little fun. We did not eat or drink anything particularly redemptive; rather we dined on la vie — frites et chocolat.
Sainte-Chapelle
This was my third trip to Paris and on our last trip we discovered what instantly became my favorite church in the entire world — Sainte-Chapelle; the Holy Chapel. It was a royal chapel built in the Gothic style within the medieval Palais de la Cité, the residence of the Kings of France until the 14th century. It is located in the Île de la Cité in the heart of Paris, which is one of two remaining natural islands on the Seine; the other is the Île Saint-Louis. Sainte-Chapelle is considered among the highest of architectural achievements, commissioned by King Louis IX to house his collection of the relics of Christ, including the Crown of Thorns, one of the most important pieces in all Christendom. Although damaged during the French Revolution, the chapel was restored in the 19th century and contains one of the most extensive collections of 13th century stained glass in the world. The King purchased his Passion relics from Baldwin II, the Latin emperor at Constantinople, for the sum of 135,000 livres. His money was actually paid to the Venetians, to whom the relics had been pawned. They arrived in Paris in 1239, carried from Venice by two Dominican friars. For the final stage of their journey they were carried by the King himself, barefoot and dressed as a penitent. A scene depicting the Relics of the Passion can be seen on a south side window of the chapel. The relics were stored in a large, elaborate silver chest, the Grand-Chasse, on which King Louis spent another 100,000 livres. The entire chapel, by contrast, cost only 40,000 livres to build. It is truly the most magnificent church I have ever had the privilege of seeing. And it lies in relative obscurity just several blocks away from Notre Dame. In 1246 fragments of the True Cross (on which Jesus was crucified) and the Holy Lance (the spear that pierced the side of Jesus as he hung on the cross) were added to the King’s collection along with other relics. The chapel was consecrated in 1248. Just as the Emperor of Constantinople could privately pass between his palace into the Hagia Sophia, so now King Louis could go directly from his palace into the Sainte-Chapelle. The two-story chapel has obvious similarities between Charlemagne’s palatine chapel, a parallel that Louis was keen to exploit in presenting himself as a worthy successor to the first Holy Roman Emperor. The chapel itself seems like a reliquary turned inside out, with the richest decoration on the inside. I suppose that is one of the reasons why I love it so. Each shaft separating the great windows depict the twelve larger-than-life sized apostles. The most famous features of the holy chapel, the stained glass, reduce the stone wall surface to little more than a delicate framework. The chapel tragically suffered its most grievous destruction during the late 18th century in the French Revolution. It has been a national historic monument since 1862. The principal of the Gothic architectural revolution in 13th-century Europe suggests heaviness, darkness, and a brooding past. Sainte-Chapelle irradiates that cliché and is a stroke of brilliant practical engineering. It is a miracle of light and there is nothing I can say to describe the incredible beauty of this ‘small” chapel which King Louis of France had commissioned. My thought is that one could not build such an exquisite labor of love and not believe. It is like standing in the middle of a tremendously high crystal filled with every colored jewel imaginable. Each panel has meaning and tells the story of the Bible, beginning with Genesis. The early Christian theologian and philosopher, Saint Augustine, once said,
“Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.”
One can stand right now in the midst of this Holy Chapel and be struck by awe. There is a simplicity of magnificence which can clearly be seen. For me there is also a palpable holiness which lingers. If faith is believing in that which is unseen, surely the earthly reward of Christian faith is present in Sainte-Chapelle.
My Love Of God To Guide Me
My mother always loved the French Impressionists. She had actually studied art and instilled a love of the French masters in me from a very early age. So for the chance to actually see Monet’s garden? To say it was a dream come true would be an understatement. The whole reason I had a little koi pond installed after we got married was because of my deeply rooted love of Monet. I have three different types of water lilies growing and there is not a day which goes by and I have viewed it that I have not thought of my mother. On this morning our guide picked us up and drove us to the small town of Giverny which lies about 50 miles west and slightly north of Paris, in the old province of Normandy. The cultivation of grapes has been an occupation since Merovingian times and I was fortunate enough to have our guide ask if I wanted to stop at the village church. It was Sunday and upon entering through the back as a service was being conducted I felt an extreme privilege. No one glared at me as I stared in awe and very circumspectly studied the statuary and examined the ancient stonework. Dating back from the Middle Ages, it was built in the Romanesque style although additions have been made. Our guide may never have known how grateful I was to have gotten to go inside that church. After I exited we made our way to Claude Monet’s house. He apparently made up his mind to move to Giverny from looking outside of a train window. In 1890 he had enough money to buy his house and land outright and set out to create the magnificent gardens he wanted to paint. Some of his most famous works came from the archways of climbing plants entwined around colored shrubs. The water garden was formed by a tributary to the Epte river, which feeds from the right tributary of the Seine. It contains the now famous Japanese bridge, the pond with its water lilies, and the wisterias and azaleas. I am a fan of weeping willows which is why I chose this shot. I was told with appreciation by our guide that the pond was different in October. I had never seen it in spring but I suspected it held the magic melancholy that October casts wherever she may be. We spent most of the day here and I enjoyed placing a tiny snail we discovered into our little girl’s hand. She shrieked and marveled at the tiny creature she held and it was a visceral reminder to me that life continues. It began to lightly rain as we made our way to Versailles. So late in the day, I believe it was absolutely the most magical time I had seen the chateau. In the chill and devoid of the throngs of summer tourists, it became indescribable. Our guide deftly led us in and out and of what few tourists remained, and we were treated to a tour of the deserted grounds that superceded the natural. The last place we visted before the magnificent chateau closed was the main palace itself. The Hall of Mirrors held a stately, yet subdued and welcoming light reflecting off the myriad of floor to ceiling mirrors while rain fell softly outside the windows. Reflections of light were everywhere but not overly bright; rather they were somewhat incongruously soothing in their grandeur with the onset of dusk. Versailles held a quiet feel that was at once comforting and almost sacred. I have a picture of our child dressed in toile completely alone in Marie Antionette’s bedchamber which I will always cherish. It is haunting but not in a scary way. On the contrary, it felt welcoming but sadly empty. We found ourselves in a unique position, wandering about the corridors in autumn’s early twilight. I shall never forget it. The French-German theologian Albert Schweitzer once said:
“The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character.”
I am not suggesting Louis XVI, the last King of France, and Marie Antionette, the last Queen of France — who was never reported to have said, “Let them eat cake” when referring to the French peasants — did not have frivolity in their lives. Most certainly they did. But I believe there was an underlying compassion within them which led to the presence of what I felt on this day. I have been in famous churches where I did not feel the presence of God. And I have been in secular places in which I have felt God was present. Who is to say that I am correct? I have only my heart, and my love of God, to guide me.
Happy
I have said before that any day in Paris is a good day. It is a city teeming with life, beauty, history, and magic. On this day we decided to start at the top in Montmartre. Located on a large hill in Paris’ 18th arrondissement, it is dominated by the stunning white domes of the Basilica of the Sacré-Coeur. At the beginning of the 20th century, during the Belle Époque, many artists had work studios around the area including Claude Monet and Vincent Van Gogh. On our honeymoon this was where we had our portrait made and where many artists still gather. The two churches at the top are of great import to me — Sacré-Coeur of course and the oldest church in all of Paris which lies inconspicuously in its shadow, Saint Pierre. However, I shall save them for another blog. We took the funicular after enjoying French beer (1664) at the top of the myriad of steep steps one always sees on Pinterest in black and white photos. Although I speak fluent French, I have made a couple of funny now, but embarrassing then gaffes. On our honeymoon we ate on a Chinese boat and I had never seen or heard of lychees. I freaked because I thought they were some sort of eyeballs in a bowl! (Now they are my favorite fruit.) At the bottom of the hill there was a street vendor selling something which smelled absolutely delicious. I stood awkwardly contemplating the look of incredulity on the vendor’s face as I told him I had no idea what it was. Of course he told me in French and I still had no idea. Finally his wife must have overheard me speaking English with my husband saying I wished I knew what they were. “Zey ahr ze chessnuts, madame” she said to me in English, looking as if I might be a little touched in the head. Exclaiming I had never tried them (which I’m quite sure she had already surmised,) I happily doled out three euro on a bag. They were nutty and warm and I found myself hoping we’d get to come back during the holiday season sometime. Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song” played through my head as I thought how magnificent the lights would be on the Champs-Elysées. We went back to our favorite playground for our little one which lies across the Seine with a direct view of the Eiffel Tower. I happily sat on a park bench nibbling my new discovery as I watched my baby doll playing with my husband. The air had the barest hint of a chill in it and everything seemed to hold a glorious perfection. We took a boat tour that night and it was indescribable passing under the city’s lit bridges filled with angels. RIGHT as we disembarked the Eiffel Tower lit up! And it didn’t just illuminate — it had a million twinkling lights running up and down its length. I believe it goes for about ten minutes on the hour at night and the rest of the time it remains solidly lit. We decided to cap off our magical evening going around the Champs-Elysées in this cool pedicab you see pictured here. It was the most splendid, tricked out one I’d ever seen. Just when I thought it could not get any cooler he turned on LED lights overhead and started blaring the current new hot song, “Happy.” Our little one was rocking out and I watched my husband trying to loosen up and get into it. I will never forget looking back as we rode down the most famous street in the world while it started to lightly rain. There was a sheen on the street given off by the headlights that created a sort of blur. I suddenly understood “La Vie En Rose” written by the French chanteuse Edith Piaf in 1945. The Canadian-American actor Will Arnett said, “I am happy because I’m grateful. I choose to be grateful. That gratitude allows me to be happy.” As I looked back on the day I realized three different songs had gone though my head, and they all involved being happy. I was so grateful to be back in my beloved Paris I decided to create a new song playlist … entitled “happy.”
Ma Petite Poupée
This was the day we set out for tours of Vaux-le-Vicomte and Fontainebleau. We began with the baroque French chateau Vaux-le-Vicomte, located about 34 miles southeast of Paris. It was here that the architect Louis Le Vau, the interior artist Charles Le Brun, and landscape designer Andre Le Nôtre began their collaboration, creating the “Louis XIV” style. Once a small chateau between the royal residences of Vincennes and Fontainebleau, the estate of Vaux-le-Vicomte was purchased in 1641 by Nicolas Fouquet, an ambitious 26-year-old member of French Parliament. To secure the necessary grounds Fouquet purchased and demolished three villages, with the displaced villagers then employed in the upkeep and maintenance of the gardens. It was said to have required more than 18 thousand workers and cost as much as 16 million livres at the time. While Fouquet’s intentions were to flatter the king, his plan backfired. Jean-Baptiste Colbert led the king to believe that his minister’s magnificence was funded by the misappropriation of public funds. Colbert replaced Fouquet as the superintendent of finances and had him arrested. The king then seized, confiscated, or purchased 120 tapestries, the statues, and all the orange trees from Vaux-le-Vicomte. After which he summoned Fouquet’s team of artists (Le Vau, Le Brun, and Le Nôtre) to design what would become the palace and gardens of Versailles. That afternoon we headed to Fontainebleau, a town a little farther south of Paris, known for its opulent palace by the same name. Built by French royalty with parts dating back to the 1100’s, its formal gardens feature ornamental lakes and sculptures. This hamlet was endowed with a royal hunting lodge and a chapel by Louis VII in the middle of the twelfth century. A century later, Louis IX (also referred to as Saint Louis) held Fontainebleau in high esteem and referred to it as “his wilderness.” The Palace of Fontainebleau was transformed into a royal chateau between 1494 and 1547 by the great builder-king Francis I. During that time every monarch, from Francis I to Louis XV, made important renovations at the Palace of Fontainebleau. In 1762 the Treaty of Fontainebleau, a secret agreement made between Spain and France concerning the Louisiana territory in North America, was concluded there. The horseshoe staircase at its front remains both haunting and impressive. I remember our little one was so happy feeding the ducks at the royal lake; a respite from stuffy old rooms. Given that she was the only person under the age of about 40, I think she did terribly well. The American longest-serving First Lady of the United States, Eleanor Roosevelt, once said:
“I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.”
I have always had an insatiable thirst for knowledge. One of the things that drew me to my husband is that he inherently has it as well. I believe our baby doll is already displaying that need to know and learn and we are thrilled. With the desire to sate her innate curiosity, she will have the world at her fingertips, ma petite poupée.
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