Awhile ago I found this lamp and fell in love with it.  I am drawn to anything natural and especially like anything reclaimed.  It is one of a kind made straight from a naturally fallen tree, and I just adore it.  We always needed something like a floor lamp in that spot in our den and when I came upon this I knew it was perfect for us.  Our bed is made from naturally fallen cedar logs and it was actually mine before we married.  Then we have an end table and a stump stool made from reclaimed teak tree roots.  When we were first married I found a solid chair carved from a dead tree but they wanted something exorbitant for it … like $2,500!  About a month later I took my husband to a tribal festival in Oklahoma and I found almost the EXACT same chair … for around $200!  I was astounded and ecstatic and to date it remains my greatest coup.  I love to read and I have used that chair, the lamp and my bed all for the purpose of a comfortable escape.  American novelist Elizabeth Hardwick once said:

“The greatest gift is a passion for reading.  It is cheap, it consoles, it distracts, it excites, it gives you knowledge of the world and experience of a wide kind.  It is a moral illumination.”

My quest continues to find unique things that are natural and reclaimed as well as great books to get lost in … for illumination.

I never realized how superficial Dallas was before I was able to start traveling.  She is vain to the nth degree, has always carried delusions of grandeur, harbors no love for history, values only that which is shiny and new, and is very much a superficial town.  Having said that, she is still home.  Now I just know all her flaws, whereas before I only suspected them.  The snobbery continues right down to the help, sort of like a butler in Victorian England.  I had so many invisible markers growing up that I thought if I’d hit I would be part of being accepted:  when I graduated from SMU, when I got my Rolex, when I bought a Land Rover.  My daddy taught me never to hate or envy; simply to aspire.  And so I never resented anyone who had money; I just wanted to have it, too.  He also taught me a valuable lesson:  there will always be someone younger, prettier, smarter, or “better” than you somehow.  That was not meant to run me down, rather it was meant to show me the futility in striving to please others.  It is truly ironic I wound up marrying into a wealthy family.  The name is fading but old timers still know it.  In college I was taught to study hard; not get an Mrs degree.  If you have a house someone else has one which cost way more than yours.  If you have a nice car, there is one out in front of you twice as expensive, as pictured here.  I can still remember what a privilege it was just to GO to the movies as a kid … and we rarely ever went.  I snapped this picture when we were getting out to see a show.  By the way I LOVE this car and would drive it if I could!  But not to impress others; I just think it’s a sweet ride.  The Swiss-German artist Paul Klee once said:

“Beauty is as relative as light and dark.  Thus, there exists no beautiful woman, none at all, because you are never certain that a still far more beautiful woman will not appear and completely shame the supposed beauty of the first.”

I am trying to impress upon my little one how lucky we are to be able to go see a movie on the big screen.  She doesn’t fully understand now but I intend to make sure she does as she grows older.  Some snotty kid will be bragging about going on vacation and trust me another kid will have gone some place more exclusive.  Meanwhile so many people never get to go anywhere at all.  So whereever you are and whatever you have, be thankful.  Trust me; it’s all relative.

I have heard physical therapy called pain and torture.  I actually look forward to it.  Ever since breaking my shoulder I have not been able to lift my arm.  I try not to complain but it also really hurts.  Twice a week I come in and lay down while they loosen my muscles up with heat.  Then my therapist manipulates my arm to get my range of motion back millimeter by millimeter.  It used to be excruciating; now it’s a good sort of hurt.  Since my bone has healed she is really able to get in, press it, and stretch it.  It seems as if we all take things for granted until we lose them.  Dutch priest Henri Nouwen once said:

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.”

That is precisely what my therapist has done for me in PT.

My husband left for work with a redhead and a brunette.  And my little girl is the one who helped him do it.  Burk had blisters on his thumbs and our little one LIVES to bring out the Band-Aids.  She was all out of Scooby Doo, Daddy’s first choice, so she bestowed her beloved Princesses upon him.  One of the things I have always loved about my husband is he truly does not care what other people think.  He went off completely fine with the fact that he was wearing Ariel from “The Little Mermaid” and Jasmine from “Aladdin” on his hands.  When he came home his little nurse eagerly inspected his bandages and was thrilled to see they were still firmly in place.  My husband and I, like any couple, have had our share of ups and downs.  I would think that is to be expected.  But we have always been transparent with each other, and for that I am truly grateful.  Dallas senior pastor T.D. Jakes said:

“My mother would take the Band-Aid off, clean the wound, and say, “Things that are covered don’t heal well.”  Mother was right.  Things that are covered do not heal well.”

With a satisfied nod our little one pronounced he could sleep in them.  I told her she had done a great job but now it was time to take the Band-Aids off.  When she asked why I explained things that are covered do not heal well.  And besides, the only one who will be sleeping with my husband is a blonde … and that’s me.  It was time to take the Band-Aids off.

I regret not asking my mother more questions about our family.  Now she is gone and I won’t have answers when the time comes that my little girl asks.  This picture haunts me:  it is of my maternal great-grandmother whose name was Janie Ard.  I heard Mama say she was the prettiest woman in the (Texas) county.  As I understand she died in childbirth, so my grandmother never really had a mother.  That carried down to me as I think my own mama did not always know what to do as a mother.  I feel there is a strong family resemblance and I also feel a sort of pulling call from her but I do not know what to do about it.  I believe in heritage, genetics, and in traits passed down from one generation to the next.  I only wish I had gotten more information (if she even knew it) before Mama passed.  As it is all I am left with is a shockingly similar visual reminder of where I came from.  I think she was strong; I am compelled to look at her and often wonder what she is trying to convey.  But at least I know she is my kin and that I carry her DNA in my blood; my little one does as well.  If you are reading this and you have blood parents still living — and even grandparents — I urge you to find out everything you possibly can about your familial history while you are able.  The Irish writer George Bernard Shaw said:

“We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.

However I believe it matters and it also affects us … from the recollection of our past to the responsibility for our future.

One of the fond memories I have as a kid was of a guy at the roller skating rink wearing a giant balloon hat making balloon animals.  Mostly he just made wiener dogs or poodles, but I was still excited to have one nonetheless.  Recently we went to the movies and before the show our little one saw a man making balloon animals (much more sophisticated than when I was little).  Her eyes lit as she happened upon a unicorn and her father shelled out an exorbitant $7 for her to have it.  She loved her; I saw how much joy she brought her, how tenderly she held her, and how she named her with great care.  I suppose I took balloon animals for granted, since I always got them so easily.  I realized with some surprise my little one had never really had a balloon animal before.  It’s a bit of a childhood microcosm for the adulthood macrocosm of when people who have a child so easily are blithely unaware of the struggle others go through in trying to have a baby.  English actress Thandie Newton said:

“Then I became a mother and it just fills every space, that isn’t filled with something else important.  It’s just like this incredible balloon that blows up and fills life up.”

And so from child to mother, I know the happiness a balloon animal can bring.  More importantly, from child to mother I know how special and rare it is to have a baby at 41; how every space in my life has filled up like an incredible balloon.  It is indescribable … sort of like happening upon a unicorn.

I snapped this picture of my little one playing in all her authentic glory but with one exception:  I had her throw on shorts.  The kid is EXACTLY like me and starts stripping before the front door has even closed.  Neither of us like to be hot or uncomfortable.  In my case the offender is my bra; in hers, it’s pants.  So many conversations have been prefaced with, “Go put on some pants.”  “Why?”  “Because people are coming over.”  And while she is rummaging for something to cover her bottom with besides Hello Kitty I’m busy searching for the last place I flung my dreaded bra.  I apologize for mentioning the unmentionable but it’s just the truth.  While she was twirling around today with her tiara and cape I told her about Wonder Woman and how she fought the bad guys twirling into a tiara and cape and always won.  My little one was so interested I decided to look up some old clips for her.  As we played super heroes I found myself lamenting the lack of female ones.  I liked “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl” when I was a kid.  Other than those three nothing readily comes to mind.  I loved the Bionic Woman but I think of her more along the lines of “Charlie’s Angels”.  My favorite American movie actress Geena Davis, who also made my favorite movie of all time, “The Long Kiss Goodnight”, founded the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media in 2004 to change media and to empower women and girls.  According to her website, www.seejane.org, her institute is the only research-based organization working within the media and entertainment industry to engage, educate, and influence the need to dramatically improve gender balance, reduce gender stereotypes, and create diverse female characters in entertainment targeting children 11 and under.  It also says her institute has amassed the largest body of research on gender prevalence in entertainment, spanning more than two decades.  As a little girl my Daddy reared me no differently than a boy.  He taught me to change a flat tire, how to work on a home, and said I could be anything I chose.  It would have been nice to see more strong women on TV and in movies.  I am glad my daughter is getting that chance.  As Geena Davis’ slogan says, “If she can see it, she can be it.”

My little one was so timid when she first started taking karate classes she would not even tag anyone for a game of duck duck goose.  Granted, she was only three but she pretty much just took everything in and sucked her little thumb.  By the end of class they’d gently coaxed it out of her mouth and at least she ran around the circle.  In her defense, I have seen many boys older and bigger than she is bawl for their mothers; so this proud mama thinks she was tough!  More than a year and a half later my karate kid girl was the only one in class that day who had done her jobs list.  Students have a number of things they must complete each week to demonstrate they are forming good habits and showing respect both at home and in the studio.  Mine knows I will not give her a free pass — if she doesn’t do the work, she doesn’t get her list filled out to be turned in.  There is also a blue sheet they must take the initiative on in order to compete for their next belt, earning them a blue stripe.  It is not enough to know the kicks, strikes, blocks, and combinations.  In fact, each belt test requires the completion of two blue stripes showing they have performed chores on their own, helped without asking, etc.  As my little girl was standing, her instructor acknowledged her efforts and she was given the honor of choosing the game they got to play at the end.  She chose my favorite — tiger’s tail.  An instructor will get “noodles” and hold them out like long claws while a white “tail” dangles from the back of their black uniform.  The students must outwit the tiger and take his tail without getting caught.  To my utter shock, on this day my little one charged and snuck up behind the “tiger” while he was distracted … triumphantly catching his tail!  She was told to put both hands in the air and say, “I WIN!” and I do not know which of us was more proud.  American Professor of Law at Yale Amy Chua has been quoted as saying:

“I think if you’re a ‘tiger parent’ early on, you don’t need to be a ‘helicopter parent’ in high school.”

I may be a tiger mom at present, but I do not intend to be a helicopter mother later.  Right now I’m just trying to catch the tiger’s tail!